I am a Christmas movie junkie. So pardon me if I don’t join the chorus of
those complaining about the early start of the Christmas season, at least as it
applies to movies. Both Lifetime (“It’s
a Wonderful Lifetime, not to be confused with Fa La La La Lifetime) and the
Hallmark Channel (Countdown to Christmas) started mid November, and even
sneaked a few in when you weren’t really looking in September!!
These are wonderful examples of cinematic skill…alright,
most of them are crap. They are mass
produced in the middle of summer. Each
network is introducing at least 12 new movies this season to add to a library of
hundreds upon hundreds of cheesy made for television Christmas movies. But when the world is going to hell and back
in a hand basket, you can turn them on and veg out…better with a whiskey.
The plots are all the same. Save the town. Save the Library. Save the small shop. Save the farm. Save the ski lodge. Save the Christmas resort. Save the soup kitchen. Stop those big, bad
greedy corporations. Who needs money? They are always saving something or pontificating on corporate evil doers.
The protagonists all have glamorous or cutesy jobs. They are writers or run small bookstores or bicycle
shops or bakeries or diners or Christmas stores. Then there are the female fashion designers or advertising execs
and the lawyers…all home after their studly, rich beaus have dumped them or
overworked or were inconsiderate or died.
And that’s just the women!!!!
Ahhh, the women!!! For all intents and purposes they are,
shall we say, bitchy. These are
empowered women. And the men slink
around exuding compassion and patience until these femi-nazis finally realize
they cannot live without the boy next door who grows and sells Christmas trees for a living and was dumped by the dumb babe 10 years earlier. Now the dumb broad wants the guy back I am yelling at the television for him to get out now!!!!
Did I mention there is a high rate of widows and widowers
in these movies? Yes, Jim was killed in
February leaving me to run the business and raise three bratty kids on my own. Yes, Betty died of a strange illness in March
leaving me to run the house and raise three bratty kids on my own. Forlorn looks abound as we gaze into the
falling snow.
Which is falling on maple trees with all of their
foliage! Yes, it may be Christmas in the
story, but the movie was filmed in July.
You can put all the scarves you want around the necks of the cast, but
it can’t hide the fake snow on the rose bush in the background. In one movie, the snow on the ground was in
the form of a blanket. The actress’s foot got stuck in it and she tripped moving
across the set. I almost wet my
pants!!!! They didn’t even try to edit
it out!! Hey…it’s August and this thing
needs to get on the air by October and under budget.
But I digress. Back to the bratty kids. Geez Louise, I want to stick a sock in some
of these kids’ mouths. Oh, the wisdom of
youth. One little sweetheart was telling
her father to find his happiness by following his heart. Really?
She’s ten. What the hell does she
know? The parents have to come to terms
with their spawns infinite wisdom. Give
me a break!!! A good swat across some of
their rear ends would do more to move the story line along than anything
else. Shut up and go to bed.
That being said, I watch these suckers night after night. But every now and then a good movie comes
along. You can tell because it is filmed
in the winter. But some of them are more
than moving. Those are gems that make
Christmas movies worthwhile. My
favorite? A Christmas Visitor with Meredith Baxter Birney and William
Duvane. It’s about their son killed
while in the service, and a mysterious visitor that shows up at their
house several years later. Get out the Kleenex for this
one.
So, turn on the television. Put your feet up. Pour yourself a VO on the rocks. Watch a holiday movie. Then go out and save
the town.
